The Thorgelfaynese Evening News


The program begins with two reporters behind a news desk, Golo Harnag on the left, and Minsel Trothe on the right.

Golo Harnag:
Abresh gol, thorgelosima! [good evening, friends] This is the Hapdorn Television One News Bulletin! I am your reporter Golo Harnag.
Minsel Trothe:
And I am Minsel Trothe.
Golo introduces the headlines:
Tonight we have important news breaks about international intrigue, national politics, and a new visitor from Outer Space!
Minsel:
Thank you Golo! A new dispute has broken out between the Halakanian and the Ustranki delegates to the International Electromagnetic Conference. The Dictatorship of Ustrank plans to complain to the Regulatory Council that television channel allotments in the Stran valley have resulted in excessive interference after sundown, causing Ustranki residents in that region to experience severely degraded reception after dark.
Meanwhile, in the Halakanian capital of Fomin, this problem is also under study. The Halakanian delegate announced in a press conference this morning that the Halakanian government had been unaware of this lamentable situation, since Halakanians in that region had not experienced similar reception problems; which, as she stated, probably are caused by the steep mountain valleys on the Ustranki side of the border.
Pending the decisions of the next meeting of the Regulatory Council of the International Electromagnetic Conference, the Halakanians and the Ustranki are working out a temporary measure which will designate certain bands for exclusive Ustranki use after nightfall.
“This is an urgent matter for the United Republic of Halakan,” the Halakanian representative stated, “the border stations benefit both nations in better information and understanding, and in promoting international trade and travel.”
The Halakanian and the Ustranki delegates have applied for an Extraordinary Convocation, but there is no word as yet from the Regulatory Council.
Golo:
Thank you for that most comprehensive and informative report, Minsel!
Meanwhile, back in our own beloved Duchy of Thorgelfayne, there was a most unusual turn of events at the Annual Ducal Council. As most viewers are probably aware by now, the Duke was deposed in the annual intelligence and creativity tests. The new Duke (as of 15 o’clock this morning) is one Manni Thologar, a housewife from Lakeshore City. She will be administered her Ducal Oath next Thirdday. Although the tests show that her intelligence and creativity suit her for the office of Duke, Manni stated that ‘no recipe is excellent until the diners are pleased’ and pledged to live up to the high standards of compassion and fairness set by her predecessor.
Minsel interrupts:
What was so unusual about the selection of Manni?
Golo continues:
Manni is the first Duke in the history of the Fayne to hold a doctorate in archaeology.
Meanwhile, some individuals have once again expressed dissatisfaction with the interval between Ducal Tests, since the present scheme (in effect for the last three hexacenturies) results in excessive public cost when the Dukes are changed so often. Public opinion polls show that a large majority of all Thorgelfaynese are satisfied with the current method, meaning that political scientists will be giving serious thoughts to the dissenting viewpoint over the next few years. If any changes are warranted, they would be instituted at the next Thorgelfaynese Government Restructuring which is currently scheduled for Fifthmonth of 4603.
Minsel:
Thank you Golo. I am pleased with the present system myself, but the critics may have a point! Most of the time I am hard-pressed to remember the name of even the current Duke!
And now our Homelander-interest story! Or perhaps I should say, “Human interest” story!
The City of Hapdorn is certainly no stranger to visitors from outer space, as our universities attract scientists and educators from all over the Spiral Arm. Many Hapdorners have had the delightful experience of assisting confused tourists from Zerpick or Horstmingle! In fact, some people on the newsroom staff have joked that alien visitors have become so numerous that they are no longer newsworthy!
This particular alien visitation is quite special, however; Hapdorn is about to receive its third Human visitor this hexacentury! As our viewers are aware, the first two were both immigrants and have settled here permanently and have sworn the Thorgel Bond. They enjoy life here so well, that reporters have long since learned not to ask them if they would ever return to their home planet Earth.
Golo interrupts:
Remember when I tried that?
Minsel continues:
The Human was ready to consign you to a mental hospital!
(Minsel waits for the laughter to die out before continuing)
Our third Human visitor is traveling strictly as a tourist. She is a young woman by the name of Melissa Franklin, and she is employed by a computer company on her home planet of Earth. Melissa has received a visitor’s grant from the Department of Comparative Cultures of the World Council of Countries and Independent Jurisdiction.
According to latest reports, Melissa has nearly mastered the Thorgelfaynese language and has spent a large amount of time studying Homelander history and cultures. Her itinerary will cover most of Homeland, but she has a special interest in our own beloved Duchy. This fascination that Humans seem to have in the Duchy stems from the fact that all three were originally contacted by Hapdorn’s own Bobo Lornifar, an anthropologist studying Earth.
John Anderson, a naturalized Thorgelfaynese Human, has already taken on the task of escorting Melissa during her time with us.
Golo concludes the News Bulletin:
Thank you Minsel! The next program in our broadcast schedule this evening is “Wildlife of the Kharg Mountains,” a delightful documentary with poignant segments on Hugmup research. Abresh gol, θorgelosima, Golo Harnagla aku Minsel Troθelu![Good evening friends, from Golo Harnag and Minsel Trothe.]